Jennifer Rose

Time has passed since being away fromUganda, and I am privileged to have seen many close loved ones since being state side, the best part of being back.  Sharing stories, experiences, life’s happenings, face’s of my babies, the hurts, the glee and everything in between

… I was honored when a friend said in convinced sincerity…

“you’re a lion’s heart!” 

The image and various biblical and cultural concepts of a lion had been brought to my attention a great deal since my time away from a place that was once mine and so this single statement stood out to me among the encouraged conversation.

Being in a God appointed, purposeful transitional season I had also perseverated on

Prov.13:12

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” 

Again, another heartfelt conversation another time was had and this piece of truth was brought to my attention in an area of my life, unprompted and direct.

I know God speaks to us, without a doubt I take Him at His word because I trust Him, I love Him.

Still, not aware as to how these two things relate in full.

Relation is the most prized possession I have and just what God has been expanding.  My relation with Him, myself, with others and truly thankful but sometimes the way we learn is through pain, but thankfully not stain.

I had for a while held on so close to what God blessed me with

…  being passionate about who all I love, what I love, being the change …

I began to hold on to those things with a tighter grip than with the one who gave those gifts to me.

Release what is not mine to hold on to, being open is freeing.

Of course, the fruitful lavish peak that I had was much appreciated… an amazing ministry where I could flourish, beautiful babies that I loved more than expression, a hope of a good man who I adore, a big family that brings more peace to life then able to comprehend, a living conviction of knowing I have people who love me in my corner cheering me on, defending me, etc.

Then going further, at some point I remember not too long ago, I experienced more raw realities, where the romanticism of relationships had left me a bit, and I am grateful for what I am able to see because of it; changes that hurt, conversations that had division and all around stagnant speed.

God did not design a plan of failure, but that’s how I felt.

I knew I needed to just go back to Him and remember His truths, His love, keep going strong with Him…  just waiting for the light, the rain, the whisper or the shout – anything.

I began to loose the essence of who I was, who I belonged to.

The truth is this –

I am not just a display of mercy and compassion, not a project to show off but His sovereign daughter with pristine authority; for an incredible reason, because HE greatly desires me.

How many of us need a good reminder of that, maybe even need to meditate on the truth beyond.

I know that in life I have been face down in bondage, shoulder slumped, wounded, angry, and ashamed and to compare that to the other times when in a life high rejoicing, happy, smiles that beam and eyes that shine great light … what gives?

Not what, but who.

He loved me first and that is truly the only way and reason I know and have love for Him.  To really venerate Him for that, do I?  Do I live my life of adoration… to worship is an expression and a reaction to a truth.  Can living life in that presence be hard, why?

Are we meditating on the truth that has been place/ incarnated in us?  We need to own it as truth …  a choice everyday in every moment, regardless of what we are doing, where we are living the truth is in each of us, in the easy comfortable times and the torment times of discomfort.

I pray that I will always place my hope and faith in God alone.  Letting go of what I need to and just be one with Him.  That is my prayer this place in time.

Before I get all deep and curious, I want to share that this post was written onu.s.soil, I am now back fromUgandaand taking some time to care for some other needs.  My mother is having major surgery in 1 week, my grandfather went home to the Lord and what family doesn’t have some silly melodrama to exhaust the dull moments with laughter?  For me, I am taking care of some final health matters and when the time comes…. continue preparing for the next adventure; work, dream and put the fruits of those love labors into action!

About a week ago I told GOD that I wanted HIM to help me serve HIS dream for my life, and not get distracted by my own wish list …

Then today, I was looking through a really good book (the best love story ever written) and read the following:

“ Do you know that … you are not your own?”

This runs parallel to what I told GOD just a week before, so I started to ponder the idea deeper.  I found the irony in this segment, chuckled and then thought to myself, who does enjoy a broken heart?  But really, why shouldn’t we experience heartbreak; it is the best way to grab our attention and solidify our strength… and at the end of the day (or our lives) these sympathy parties that we either host our selves or that are thrown by our support team, may just lead to our death bed…

I figure a ‘casual life lived leads to our own causality’

Now, I am for sure in agreement that a broken heart hurts so much you would think it kills you, but it doesn’t.  A broken heart doesn’t kill you because there is purpose in that, I believe… I know GOD is for me so when my heart is broken, I know it is for good.

I agree with My Utmost, there HE is with HIS pierced hands showing me that I can arise and shine.  If GOD accomplished HIS purposes in this world through the broken heart of Jesus, then I thank HIM for my broken heart.

If you think this is all just a game of love, luck of the draw you are in for the game of your life because my faith may be as small as a mustard seed right now but I know nothing will be impossible for me and this is confirmed every time my heart beats to HIS loving beat… sure this may sound corny and Christian-ese, but my love challenge for now is simply this question… answer honestly –

Do you recognize how you live your life right now for love rather than for your own?

Time has passed since I last posted, I just did not want to share what was really on my mind… but just keep reading this dark cloud does have a silver lining-

I read the paper and there are articles of mass destruction, disease rapidly spreading, killing of brother against sister, the government disgustingly misusing foreign government aid money in corrupt selfish ways, nation wide layoffs of the only few jobs that were looked to be stable….

My condition has been getting better, slow but surely (I know I will be better than before soon in time) difficult when my spirit says “GO!” but my body says just rest.

This time around I have experienced anger and frustration that I had not had since I chose to live my life for Christ, loss/ emptiness within, my weakness burdened me, my self stand in the way of me, felt the depths of loneliness and confusion of my self, relationships, my purpose, waiting for myself to quite ‘walking in the desert for 40years’ and just be, so that God will be for me, whether it be His whisper or the heavens parting…

I strongly do believe we can make a difference in this world, I believe God really does provide and love each of us ridiculously that I can not even understand a sliver of it…

Thankfully, I have had some precious moments with some awesome children around here, time in prayer for my loved ones, checking out a sky of stars, having discussions about the future of my project with the men who lead this organization & donors, learned how to play Sudoku and watched the Bourne Trilogy enough times that I think if anyone ever tries to attack me in slow motion I would take them down… so like anything, life is good and challenging.

I have still been working from the sidelines, report writing, etc.  Not being out in the bush directly adding value to my babies’ lives is more difficult than anything in being here.  We lost another 2 children on july 8^th but what else to expect when the country you live in deals with a poor operational framework… sanitation, education, healthcare all are struggling to reap any benefit.

Uganda once was in a state where nationals in their homeland were in need of refuge, now they are reforming; needing to chose to rise up and take responsibility.

Regarding my team (now down to 3 of us), I consider them a success and they are the two who I find most consistent (whether their consistency makes me smile in annoyance or genuine joy, they are truly beneficially consistent) … even though we disagree on most matters, having completely different experiences, views on care, different personalities and different goals, hopes, dreams for the future… I can only speak for myself but I consider them a success.  I have recently, heart willing grown in more respect for them.  Over two weeks ago we had a successful meeting, it lasted all day and they were exhausted by the end but I am pleased with them.  Finally, just this one tiny strategy (out of many) I wanted to leave with the team (in hopes that they would receive it and run with it) actually happened after 9 months of putting myself out there, trying to give a gem of a strategy to just be time… and time.. and time again rejected by those who have the innate ability to make an everlasting effect; walking away from me, yelling or mocking me… its now been two weeks and they are more efficient, more driven and my babies are receiving productive results.  I know that life is not all about me, I know I am single handedly not going to solve the world’s problems and look through rose colored goggles and stare down every villain… my foot print will only last as long as the strong wind blows… so I should just chill out… BUT…

I am privileged to have this season of my life be such a struggle.

Right now on itunes a random mix, John Hiatt ‘s Have A Little Faith In Me  is playing and I agree I need to place my faith where it is secure.  I have a long journey ahead of me before I am completely sound/ whole.  Desiring that is worth every ordeal, I would say I am truly privileged to have a season of struggle (and finding some joy in it), in the storms of life our spirit is oxygenated, and that is true, regardless what I feel like, I know I am stronger, more sound and I realize more than before how amazing grace really is.  Why?

Because of (my favorite topic) … L O V E … really beautiful.

more to come soon… updates on the future of LightForce  partnering with G42 Leadership Academy (expanding to Uganda!!!!), my project- Special Needs and me… xox

Jonathan & i laughing together, we have fun adventures together with the baby goats

Sam when i caught him in a fun game of hide n' go seek... he can be cheekie

<3

Understanding that the main message of my life is love… I am at a crossroads.  Regardless what path I chose it will be blessed and an adventure, but why do I care so much about witnessing the bearing fruit?

Encouraging is more than just the warm fuzzy utopia it may produce, but more directly from the desire within to be the change and effect a change in others.

Love is the most selfless experience I have had the opportunity to share in, this is when love is given correctly, incorrectly taken it damages.

The last few weeks I have been indirectly with the team, from the side lines influencing some new direction, taking care of some needed rest & recovery.  Their focus is a bit more driven, where they have been reaching every child during the week.  The attitudes they conduct themselves in have been more positive and more generous to themselves and others.  Taking initiative has been growing and when done, done in greatness; building parallel bars out of papyrus tress, splints out of cloth & pine wood and creating more interactive – whole group activities to serve as therapy, in the home with the family members creating unity, fun and accountability for those children.  Even in our living arrangements, small improvements had been seen showing evidence of more to come.

The last few weeks I have indirectly witnessed the team from the side lines falling back to some old behavior… few times where they made the choice not to work, not clean up their mess from meals, not communicate and going out of their way to avoid team work all together… what hurts is that in those times of selfish ways, my children are out their in the thick bushes of Uganda becoming a bit more emaciated, atrophied and deprecating in life all around.

I met a European middle aged man about 4 weeks ago, he seemed as though the sound of his own voice was ever so pleasing to his own ears and one of the beliefs he shared with me was that “one can only make a real difference with an investment of 6 years (at least) to a place or people…”

      3 weeks ago there was some talk in the town about the horrible ‘offering’ that had taken place, shocking a village without warning.  A nearby village in the Oyam District had a recent large notoriety for Child Sacrifices.  All for money a parent would offer up their child’s life to a witch doctor – to be rich in monetary value?

Love has since the beginning of time dictated how we operate, whether that is genuine love – weak and growing into a stronger form of that genuine love or the disturbed form of various lust (many mistake as love, but is not love) that turns into a selfish twisted byproduct of wounded chaos heightened by the generational hurts and beatings of war in our day to day life, victimizing in mentality, will and emotion…

The past weeks presented me with an in your face version of truth or dare… and I chose the daring truth…

The doctors believe that

“I was over medicated in the treatment to clear the lengthy stay of malaria I acquired; which sent my systems into a trauma state.” Thankfully with more rest, medication and a special diet I will recover, slowly, slowly and honestly I had some moments that I was scared… many internally bleed to death but I have such prayer support and I just knew GOD did not send me all the way toAfricato die… but with life bringing purpose.

…Back to the cross roads, the bearing fruit and the love to be contagious…

 as soon as the power is restored, literally, we have no power and the battery life on my computer is next to nil, so the details will come but the point is that our

faith, hope & love

are enormous characters to live by and I am in truth and dare living the most dignified way I am able in where I place my faith, hope and love.  

“…that says it all.  You realize such abundance of life, beauty and love that makes those human feelings of the good terrified seem conquerable because lets face it, you focus on GOD and GOD focus you to more of HIS love, and that my dear is conquering…”

above are my thoughts that i shared with a friend over some incredible news she shared with me; which lead me more in thought-

When do you change direction, in order to reach your goals you set out to surpass?  Not to be reckless but wise…  putting life’s dreams into action has its times of challange but like life, it  is way more great with a risk and adventure… but in those times of walking through the fire we see ourselves being transformed in the refining process or we smell ourselves being burnt up by the hot flames…   when is a quick turn the gutsy choice of the glorified and honoring ?

So, back to the drawing board or back to basics- more details to follow…

What do you say when a child asks you-

What is it to be Good?  How do i show Good today?  How can i be Good?  What can i do to grow a better attitude of Good?  What blocks Good from working and being in me?  How can i make Good work better, stronger and faster?  How do i do that when i am uncertain and stressed?  Am i Good?
Would your answers be any different if an enemy asked you the same questions?

I have been thinking about the Fruits of the Spirit as i carry on my days here, finding more challenge and trial with abundant questions that never leave me.  I have been to villages that are in this current day still walking around in the nude, where i have met older women who had been mamed from war violence and seen precious young girls who have had the terrible effects of FGM (female genital mutilation)…

i have seen women shy away from their homes in fear of men.  In escape from a beating, their children left alone for hours and days with soars all over their emaciated bodies.   Meanwhile, in the world around us cases of disease, destruction and dismemberment are prevalent.

In all of this, i find that all i want to do is make these people receive love, smile in joy and hope and to know good…

people say that ‘i am an eternal optimist, finding joy and hope in all ways’

right now i ask where is the vision?  i came to rise up this good, this love, this joy & hope that these people need.  Beauty is being distorted in this loud chaotic battle between lies and truth.  i want to be the difference and am no stranger to the realities of this world; no soldier goes off to fight a battle alone.

Jesus was the Good Shepard, He loved His flock of sheep knowing each one, He protected them from the wolves.

Jesus said something like…

“come follow me and i will make you fisher’s of men”

i have been following Him and have been given a people.  For this season of life i am to fish for their hearts… but where will the goodness triumph?

Am i among the wolves or am i fighting for my sheep?

This week we lost our 4^th child… I was with him 2 days before he passed and I knew then that his time in this world was short.

Sometimes it takes effort remembering why we chose to live the way that we do, and I have no regrets, just pleas for further grace on my own life.

Times have come that frustration grabbed the tongue inside of me, where I struggled to find the character in others worthy of trust and the clarity of direction this life has.

Times when others deny me in a violent storm one minute and the next come throwing their burdens to me crying.

I am not unique to this world but I do have the mark of God on my life, how can we ever understand how precious a life lived is…

A baby took courage and crawled, accomplishing a new benchmark in life.

A grown man realized the mercy he had been given and could barely handle the enormity that it placed on his life.  This man could not move in any other way, than crawling on his hands and knees for forgiveness, a transforming moment in life.

How the same action can be inspired vastly different…

Do you ever feel like you’re crawling to just get through life; how do you find the newness of life?

Life changes in seasons and every season has its purpose, regardless if you’re on the highest mountain top or in the driest desert you are defining your character.

My favorite story about crawling took place this week.  A mother was walking bare foot alongside the dirt road, miles away from home with wood balanced on her head and her son wrapped on her back.  She spotted a white truck and recognized a young white women, me.  She quickly changed directions and followed the truck as long as she could see it.  About 40 minutes later she arrived, dramatically hunched over nearly crawling on her knees, beaming in joy that she arrived at her new destination (a big tree in the middle of a village another client lives in), out of breath and most likely exhausted.  What was the most special to me was why she came.  I am honored that she felt this way, but not worth to receive this… this women proclaimed to everyone under that tree,

“When I saw you, I saw hope…”

This was a client’s mother from last year, glad that our time together then was memorable to induce such a positive move that day; she blessed me.

…Is it possible to exhaust LOVE?

The average day:

By 6am I am up, dressed and making the fire for tea/ porridge – then onto packing a sack of food, usually an apple, carrot and banana to eat throughout the day, then take a moment to enjoy the sunrise by 7am

Between 7am and 7:20am, dishes are washed, living area cleaned and our transport truck is being loaded.

From 7:20am-7:30 we are reviewing the day’s schedule just in time to head out by 7:30am (ideally) for a full days work making home visits to each enrolled client and their families; for therapy, stimulation, follow up interviews and sensitization for the village This takes all day and into the early evening, where we travel on the rough roads of Africa under the hot tropical sun.  To see as many children as possible, we disperse ourselves, some on a motorbike, bicycles, foot and the truck, as our goal is to reach every child (150) at least twice a month.  The greatest visits so far have been to those children I worked with before.  Such a time to rejoice when they embraced me with an excited welcome, all lit up inside full of smiles.  For me that is a great burst of joy, as the majority of the days are spent traveling, dealing with staff, planning, communicating, etc.

Arrive back to a local village between 6pm and 6:30pm to get started on the nights work.  First matter of business- fetching water at the pump, going back to get a meal started over the fire by 7:30pm, meet and review the day and discuss the plans for the next day, bath by a bucket, wash dishes and clean living area and finally around 9:30pm 10pm eat dinner to then clean up and make it to bed by 11pm and sleep, sleep, sleep…

Working 6 days/ week and then office work on the 7^th day, I have been asked WHY?  Aside from learning a great deal and developing more sanctified… if I can only see the children I love for a merely 20 minutes a day, why even bother?  Is it worth it?

The result of abundant joy is not built on anything depreciating, but on LOVE that is true and nothing can change or separate that LOVE; regardless of the experiences of life.

What good are words if the heart is not in them – empty…

Don’t swear about how much you love, pour out yourself and give

… Feed My Sheep

How unique are you to human kind?

Serving in a culture that is nearly bipolar from the one I was raised in, surely has its challenges, but none as frustrating as finding difficulty in identifying ones character, dignity and trust.  How does a young ‘munu’ (white woman) be a catalyst for a growing project?  To empower those in the culture; build up, stir up and cheer up those who will have the real timeless impact…

If you are born with a penis does that automatically make you a man?

Respect is something that is earned, and honor is a treasured way to serve those you respect, how can anyone believe otherwise?  I love and respect some terrific men and women in my life, who I chose to serve and honor, with everything in me.  How can I time and time again witness that love be tainted… as it was this past week especially…

If your respect rests on that of a lie, do you really believe you are respected at all?

Differences between one another are different than misconceptions between one another, what danger is there in being honest or asking a question of genuine concern?  Hope has always been a solid place for me, always captured my heart, this past week presented a real question; am I fighting a loosing battle….

The past 2 weeks were a challenge

- in moving through the adjustments of the project in operation, staff and accommodation

-personally dealing with all the team dynamics that seemed to run parallel with the differences in cultures

-communication, planning and implementing shows much room for improvement on every end

I am up for the challenge, equipped as nothing will prosper against me in confidence of my covering…